Here lies the art of The Lone Spaceman, Steven Caul.
This is it. Today is the day my life is launched away from this earth. The first day in the countdown to my death. I’m going to see amazing things while doing amazing things.
Sam, I love you and will love you until I draw my final breath. My final thoughts will be of you- of us.
Steven Caul, with final resolve, signing off-
I’ve been writing so much about loss lately. It doesn’t mean much now, but I need to stop and move on. I’m ready. I’ve accepted my fate, I’ve gone through my trials and I am ready for the future. There really isn’t much more to say.
Steven Caul, finally content, signing off-
Another month, another dream. This one has been wearing me down, leaving me exhausted. It’s much shorter than the others, I’ve been having it multiple times in a single night. I’ve avoided sleeping several nights just to not have this dream. It haunts me, it’s cast a shadow over my waking life. The void of despair that was in the other dreams is ever present in this dream, this nightmare. I’m floating, again, in the void. Motionless for what feels like hours before I see anything. I see a jet of light shoot by my vision, and then another, and another, and then more. The all congregate into one spot and that’s when I get the feeling that I’m moving. My body feels like it’s going to get crushed by the force that’s pulling me. I see I’m getting pulled to the spot the lights all came to. My bones start to feel like they’re breaking, my skin feels like it’s tearing, my soul feels like it’s crumbling away. The pain doesn’t stop while my body melts and becomes one with the light. I become nothing for a moment and then, as if nothing happened, I’m floating in the void again. I see darkness and a single red glow in the distance. I feel the glow beckon me to it, there is nothing else around, so I listen. It is the same planet from the first dream. I land in a plain surrounded by mountains and marvel at the view. There are no stars, only mountains against a black horizon. Then I lose my breath, I choke and gasp for air, but I fall and I lay there until I wake up moments later.
This is the last month on the drugs. I’m glad for it, I don’t know how much more of these nightmares I could take.
Steven Caul, a total wreck, signing off-
This months dream felt like it followed up last month’s. I’m in darkness, lost. Then I hear Saturn calling for me, I can’t see it, but I know it’s Saturn. I want to join it and I try to find it. It keeps calling for me, and it tells me it won’t wait forever. I panic and flail around until I see something coming towards me. Mars, the planet, Mars, comes to me. It tells me it knows where Saturn is and leads me to Andromeda. I see Jupiter with its and Mars’ moons waiting near the galaxy. Jupiter tells me that Andromeda is holding Saturn from us and asks me to help rescue it. We shoot toward the galaxy, but it is much further away than it looks; it’s unimaginable size fooling our perceptions. After hours of racing to it we find Uranus and Neptune who agree to join our cause. When we finally reach and enter Andromeda we are hit with incredible gusts of energy that knock us all apart. We float around the edges of the galaxy, dazed and lost.
Steven Caul, with all hopes shattered, signing off-
I’ve been having a different dream this month, as I’ve documented. I think it’s finished now. As I did a month ago, I’m going to recap the entire thing here.
I “wake up”, in the dream, in a panic. I look out from beneath a great shadow to see Phobos rushing towards me, meaning to devour me. The Cosmos around me are bickering about something I’m not aware of, something Phobos decided to do something about. I have no time to think, I am overcome with fear as Phobos swallows me and forces me into the darkest void I’ve ever felt. The darkness crushes my body but the moon can’t take the pressure and breaks apart and the darkness lifts away.
All I can see is the milky way off in the distance, too far now for me to return to. With the heavy burden of knowing everything I’ve ever known is too far from my reach, I resolve myself to travel on to new territory. Again, I am swallowed by darkness. A different kind from before. Instead of overwhelming fear and despair, it is more of a calm solitude. I drift for hours with nothing in sight. In time I see a small light ahead of me. I watch it grow over time until it’s massive size and misshapen form are clear. I am in its path and, though I try, it is too large to avoid. As it gets even closer, I swear I feel Malice emanating from it. As if this asteroid wants me dead.
The time comes for our paths to meet. The asteroid crushes me but by some celestial miracle, I survive. The impact sends me spinning of my original course for an incalculable amount of time and I become disoriented and lost in the eternal darkness. By the time I can gather my senses back I can’t even see the asteroid. I am left floating again, with no direction.
Then I wake up, feeling just as lost as I do at the end of the dream.
Steven Caul, with fear, signing off-
I’ve been having a recurring dream every night for over a month. It becomes more vivid and I remember more of it each night. I think it’s complete now though. The stars give me light and we dance until the moon loses its luminescence. I cry with the stars and am engulfed in darkness. Walls close in around me and I am left feeling the most terrible despair I’ve ever endured. Then, the light of a million future suns burn through the box of despair setting me free and unharmed. I float out into a kinder darkness with stars flickering softly around me hundreds of light years away. I float on and watch celestial bodies as I pass them by. I feel only serenity; the feeling lasts for some time, it is heaven. Eventually a near-passing planet beckons me to it. I move myself to it and land in a plain with mountains on all sides. The planet then presents me with brightly colored light. I watch it dance around me and through me. But then I start to feel a weight on my chest and I lose my breath. I being to suffocate with a great burden pulling me down.
I wake up shortly after that. I can’t imagine what it means right now. Recounting the dream seems to have exhausted me. I’m going to IGC now to talk to the doctors.
Steven Caul, with great expectations and a great burden, signing off-
The drugs so far have me going through a rollercoaster physically, mentally, and emotionally. I go from feeling drained, depressed, and a little confused to hyper, excited, and more lucid and sure of everything than I’ve ever been in the span of 30 minutes. It’s not easy, not that I expected it to be. I feel exhausted at the end of each day and sleep pretty well.
Steven Caul, on all the drugs, signing off-
Today my head aches and my eyes are numb. I’ve been having dreams not unlike the one I described in the previous entry. I think they’re getting worse though. It’s affecting my sleep, my waking day, Sam’s life. I can’t concentrate on anything anymore. I think I’m going to try meditating today.
Steven Caul, with frustration, signing off-